Vapor Trails...Always Going...Going Somewhere

Ever look at a vapor trail in the sky?  Those white, puffy, cloud-like formations left behind by some sort of aircraft…which craft, how big, and who (or what) it was carrying is anyone’s guess.

I like to observe them.  Sometimes they dot or dash, even intersecting with others, and sometimes they are just little spurts that seem to disappear midway.  Sometimes they travel in a clear, horizontal direction and sometimes they look like they go straight upward or (gasp!) downward.  At times they stretch far off into a horizon that I cannot clearly make out…but they are always going, I suppose…going somewhere.

While I like to daydream about who or what carved that cloud path, I cannot with any certainty know.    Even at 20/20 vision seeing something from my vantage point, I recognize that it would look completely different from someone else standing neighborhoods or cities away.  My failing eyes, my location, my judgements, my preconceived notions (and my trying to reason why it’s there in the first place) will cause me to see falsely.  My perceptions may not indeed be truth.

But then I stop and think.  While I cannot see where vapor trails go, there is One who can.  While I do not know who or what was onboard, there is One who does.  While my vision is so limited to my pinpoint location, there is One who extends beyond all space. 

And He is real and He is everywhere and He is all-knowing.

I often feel like my own paths in life take left turns or right turns or U-turns.  Sometimes there are clear visions of where I am headed.  Sometimes my short paths just seem to disappear.  Sometimes I stretch far off toward a horizon I can’t clearly make out and sometimes it feels like I am going straight upward or (gasp!) downward.  But I am always going, I suppose…going somewhere.

There are days that I struggle to see past my own circumstances, past my own little existence, but I can choose to surrender to my Father in Heaven.  There are days when I’m tempted say, “Why me?” or “Why us?” or “Not Again!”, but I can choose to fall to my knees in prayer instead of hanging my head in defeat.  I can choose to throw my arms in the air in Praise instead of throwing them up in defeat.  And I can find strength in those moments.  Not of my own, but of one FAR mightier. 

I can know that God’s viewpoint is not skewed and He is not limited in His understanding.  While any single day that I exist is smaller than even the minutest of scratches on the surface of all of history, God was both at the beginning of time and will remain until the end.  While my view is blocked by all sorts of hindrances, God not only sees clearly but sees with a greater purpose than I’ll ever know.

Trusting is hard.  Yes!  Surrendering is hard.  Yes!  It is a daily battle of the flesh, mind, and heart.  But, oh, what joy can come when we recognize that we aren’t in control…and that (surprise!) that is actually a good thing.  I don’t own one of those “Life is Good” shirts (or bumper stickers or hats or spare tire covers…) but I’ve thought about coining ones that say “Life is Hard.”  Maybe better stated, “Life is Hard…but Living is worth it.” 

Who are you living for?  Or rather, whose agenda are you living for?

God is bigger.  His ways are higher.  He not only clearly sees the entirety of everything, but masterfully has a hand in it.  While I can’t know the why of everything happening, I do believe that He can redeem it.   All of it.  I do believe that nothing can stop His ultimate plan.    

And though I’ll likely continue to struggle as I try to make sense of what is happening in my own life, there are seasons where I’ll just have to trust and stop guessing.  Never stop praying, mind you, but surrender the cockpit. 

Help me, Father, to seek Your will above my own.  Lead me where You want me to be.  If nothing can separate me from Your love, and even death does not hold me bound, then why would I fret over any path You lay before me?  Left, right, up, down?  Quiet my heart in the loud moments and help me to hear only Your voice.  Because you are here.  And You see from a vantage point that I never will. 

That alone gives me the confidence to know that I am going…going somewhere indeed. 


 

Right Where I need to be

It was Thanksgiving week and instead of loading up our van, we found ourselves at the Pediatrician’s office; with a 103 fever and a confirmed flu case.  My foot still ached from the heaviness of three weeks in an air cast boot (sounds much cooler than it is; trust me the “coolness factor” wears off within the first 48 hours) and now my heart ached for the three inconsolable children who would not get to spend their holiday at Nana and Grandpa’s house like we had planned (and already packed for). 

And just when I was ready to put my feet up and rest, too.  Truly rest.  Like kick my feet up on someone else’s couch and knit and watch football; as odd of a combination as that may seem.  I was ready to forget about chores and let our laundry pile up in a plastic bag instead of a plastic basket.  No dog hair to sweep up each morning; snuggle with my kids while watching far too much TV; I was even going to share in the meal prep instead of cooking it alone.  Oh, it was going to be so nice, I said. 

We had been for weeks purposefully trying to whittle down our schedule so that we could rest and enjoy some down time.  We wanted a reason to be “bored”; an excuse to catch up on some sleep.  But with an official quarantine and a prescription for Tamiflu was not the way we had envisioned it.  (Note: I had also casually mentioned to my husband that I needed a new pair of black boots about a week before my newly introduced foot pain earned me that afore mentioned air cast.  Lesson?  Be careful what you ask for.)

Unmet expectations.  That’s what they are.  I plan and expect that things will go as I planned.  I use sticky notes and charts and chalkboards (Oh, how I love chalkboards!) and then play out scenarios in my mind.  I envision that something will look a certain way and when it doesn’t, I must have somehow failed.  I expected a predicted outcome and it changed.  But let’s be honest.  How many things really go as originally planned?

God is good all the time.  Yes!  No doubt. 

All the time, God is good.  Absolutely. 

But do I live like I believe it in those times when things don’t go as I planned?  Do I get frustrated and grumpy and grouchy when my schedule is interrupted or changed?  Do I lash out when my expectations are not met? 

Because the truth is that I grumbled that day I left the foot and ankle specialist’s office (three weeks of a new schedule?!) and now I found myself sulking over Thanksgiving (we had worked so hard to "eat" our kitchen bare, and seriously, we were already packed to go).   

Sounds a lot like an account I’ve read before in Exodus.  Those Israelites who grumbled when God had them wandering in the desert for decades.  Sure, I was not wanting for manna or water, but when looking at hearts, was mine not as sinful in my discontentment?  My unmet expectations were trivial when compared.  I was now going to have to shoulder the Thanksgiving preparations and come up with a new impromptu plan.  I would be slow (because this boot thingy now makes me half the speed I once was), but even so, a quick trip to my local supermarket was completely possible (I had to stop by the pharmacy now for that Tamiflu anyway).  I mean, how selfish could one be?!  I had food, an overabundant amount of blessings to give thanks for, and now that uninterrupted family time we had been craving.  This could be good, no?

And while I never would wish the flu upon anyone (and especially my own little family), like Nana so sweetly reminded me…there was even blessing in the timing of it all.  How thankful we were that flu symptoms appeared hours before we took to the road (with countless other holiday-bound vehicles).  How miserable would we have been stuck in an ER in a foreign town away from all the comforts of our own home?  Plus, it was nice to know that should anyone else succumb to the aches and fever, a mere phone call and another quick trip to the pharmacy might be more possible (albeit, at my half speed).

Our Thanksgiving, though quiet, was still beyond what we deserved.  We had a humble gathering of foods on the table and three nights in a row of family movie night.  We had blankets and hot cocoa and a family round of Yahtzee.  True, we had coughs and disinfectant and around the clock medication schedules, but we also had memories and snuggles and too much TV.  I kicked my feet up on my own couch (in between laundry piles, of course) and knitted and watched football.  For three days in a row.  And it was good.  (And being caught up on laundry was certainly nice come Monday.)

So when things don’t go as I had planned, I can grumble and get frustrated, losing sight of what matters and maybe even feel sorry for myself.  Or, I can choose to see those unmet expectations as opportunities to Praise God and thank Him for having me right where I need to be.  

Right where I need to be.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

Father,

Please forgive me for my sulking and my childish tendencies.  Your ways are higher than my own (Isaiah 55:8-9).  And even if I don’t always understand, I know that Your plans are perfect.  I trust that no matter what my agenda may be, Yours will always be what’s best for me…because through Your plans, You are fulfilling Your will for my life.  Though I will continue to make plans daily, help me to surrender to the changes You see fit.  Like barnacles being scrubbed off of an old, tired, ship, You scrape off my crusty edges and mold me every day into more of an image of Christ.  Thank you.  Thank you for Jesus, who chose to die in my place.  Thank you for saving me and loving me so much.   Jesus is everything to me.  Your will be done, LORD, not my own (Luke 22:42).  Thank you for loving me so much that you choose not to put me always where I want to be, but instead You put me where I need to be.  Your love is like no other.  Thank you, Jesus, that You return no void.  And thank you, for the overabundance of blessings that I don’t deserve…the greatest being a life forever with You.

Amen.

A Mom's Perspective: Allergies, the Fear Factor

My 9 year old son is at a birthday party all day today.  A swimming birthday party.  At a pool.  On the other side of town.  With one of his best friends. 

And I am absolutely thrilled for him.  I am truly excited to receive a texted picture from our sweet friends showing him smiling and having a great time.  I can’t wait to pick him up to hear all about it firsthand.

It may sound like no big deal, but for a child with allergies, little things I always took for granted can seem like big mountains to climb for him. 

Thankfully we’ve learned to work around his food allergies.  Advance preparation is always essential in finding things to send along with him.  And packing his own items allows him the opportunity to eat without worry.  He is old enough now to be trained on what is OK to consume and what is not.  So we have discussions prior to attending.  Thankfully his food issues are not life-threatening in severity.  For that, too, we are blessed.

More challenging, however, is his allergy to cold.  For a child that can break out in hives in a bathtub or from windows rolled down on a car ride, the pool can be a daunting thing.  Any activity that exposes his skin to temperatures below 70 degrees can trigger allergic reactions that not only make him miserable, but also can be potentially life-threatening.  And so as awkward as it seems, handing over an emergency kit complete with cell numbers written in Sharpie, rescue inhalers, Benadryl, and a double epi-pen are a must.  Particularly when there is water involved.  We, too, have conversations on the car ride over. 

And then someone asks, “Isn’t that scary to let your child go to a swimming party?”  “Aren’t you afraid something might happen?” 

And my answer is yes; because I am human, and as his mom I want to not only keep him from ever hurting, but I also want to put him in a bubble, as if that might protect him from any harm.    

But the Lord has shown me time and time again that I can trust Him.  The Lord has reminded me (and used others even to remind me) that He loves my children and that He holds them tighter than I ever can.  I don’t know why things happen the way that they do.  I don’t know how any particular day will look in the end, but I do know that I serve a God who is faithful and who will ultimately succeed in fulfilling His will for my life. 

Your will, Lord, not mine. 

We know that we are not to tempt God.  We are not to push ourselves to limits that we have already been shown are unwise.  When tempted in the wilderness by the enemy, Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’ (Matthew 4:7; and referencing Deuteronomy 6:16)

We can even exercise wisdom by taking safety precautions.  But even the best of safety precautions don’t prevent bad things from happening.

So in cases like today, I have a choice to make.  I can let fear grip me so tightly that I refuse to let my son participate in any activity that seems even slightly questionable (and let’s be honest, I can make excuses for ANY activity)…or I can, within reason, employ all of the safety precautions we have been taught by his allergist and then give him a little space to be a kid.  A real kid.  True, a kid who has been trained to look for warning signs within his body and then told what to do in the event these things occur…but a normal kid as best he can be.  Because this is how God created him to be….and we know there is purpose.  We don’t know how it will look in the end, but we know that even if a reaction comes, God will not be absent.  Our God comforts and walks with those who seek Him. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

This is the verse my husband reminds me of when my mind wanders into all the “what-ifs”.  Because as a mom, my mind is constantly tempted to ask these questions.  Not surprisingly, my mind wanders there quicker when it comes to my children who have to live by certain restrictions (we now have three in our family).  The vast majority of the time, when I hesitate, fear is the culprit.  Fear is what stops me, freezes me in place.  And honestly, a life lived in fear doesn’t feel much like a life.  At the very least, it hinders my relationship with Christ and keeps me in a fog of believing that if I can control the circumstances, I can dictate the end result.  Although my intentions may be good, my means are not.  I have to take my thoughts and filter them through the above verse; and many times I can stop at “Do I know this to be true?”  Many of the fears I carry are not known truth.

Slowly, but surely, the Lord is softening my heart and showing me to lean on Him more fully.  Lean on His understanding, not my own. 

And cover everything in prayer.  Even (and especially) when they are soaked in tears. 

While there may be circumstances that absolutely necessitate a “No, we can’t do that/go there”, we have to somehow learn to prayerfully consider those opportunities where we can respond with a “Yes” or “Let’s try.” 

Maybe it’s not right for every family or every situation.  Maybe there actually are allergies out there that are so horrible, so severe, that to remain in hiding is appropriate.  As a believer, we are to follow where the Spirit leads.  For us, we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  We have to keep stepping in faith, doing all we can with all the wisdom provided to us, and then trusting that even in our failures, God will be there to show us where to step next. 

Is it scary?  Yes.  Is it emotional and draining?  Some days.  But we know a God who is patient and loving.  A God who formed each of us and knew us and loved us long before we ever took a step on this earth. 

This is the God we will cling to; the God we will give praise to for each new hurdle jumped.  This is the God we will submit to and fall to our knees before.  It’s a daily battle, but by Christ’s strength, fear will not rein in our hearts. 

Christ will. 

Update: In case anyone wonders how the pool party went…our son came home tired, but having enjoyed his afternoon.   At one point, he felt as if he was beginning to break out, but he communicated with the mom on duty, took two Benadryl pills with a rescue inhaler, and remained out of the pool for a while.   He also took advantage of a warm shower that was located at the facility (a few times, I think).  He did, apart from us, what he has been trained to do.  And he didn’t freak out.  God is working on him, too.  More reasons to give Praise!