Vapor Trails...Always Going...Going Somewhere

Ever look at a vapor trail in the sky?  Those white, puffy, cloud-like formations left behind by some sort of aircraft…which craft, how big, and who (or what) it was carrying is anyone’s guess.

I like to observe them.  Sometimes they dot or dash, even intersecting with others, and sometimes they are just little spurts that seem to disappear midway.  Sometimes they travel in a clear, horizontal direction and sometimes they look like they go straight upward or (gasp!) downward.  At times they stretch far off into a horizon that I cannot clearly make out…but they are always going, I suppose…going somewhere.

While I like to daydream about who or what carved that cloud path, I cannot with any certainty know.    Even at 20/20 vision seeing something from my vantage point, I recognize that it would look completely different from someone else standing neighborhoods or cities away.  My failing eyes, my location, my judgements, my preconceived notions (and my trying to reason why it’s there in the first place) will cause me to see falsely.  My perceptions may not indeed be truth.

But then I stop and think.  While I cannot see where vapor trails go, there is One who can.  While I do not know who or what was onboard, there is One who does.  While my vision is so limited to my pinpoint location, there is One who extends beyond all space. 

And He is real and He is everywhere and He is all-knowing.

I often feel like my own paths in life take left turns or right turns or U-turns.  Sometimes there are clear visions of where I am headed.  Sometimes my short paths just seem to disappear.  Sometimes I stretch far off toward a horizon I can’t clearly make out and sometimes it feels like I am going straight upward or (gasp!) downward.  But I am always going, I suppose…going somewhere.

There are days that I struggle to see past my own circumstances, past my own little existence, but I can choose to surrender to my Father in Heaven.  There are days when I’m tempted say, “Why me?” or “Why us?” or “Not Again!”, but I can choose to fall to my knees in prayer instead of hanging my head in defeat.  I can choose to throw my arms in the air in Praise instead of throwing them up in defeat.  And I can find strength in those moments.  Not of my own, but of one FAR mightier. 

I can know that God’s viewpoint is not skewed and He is not limited in His understanding.  While any single day that I exist is smaller than even the minutest of scratches on the surface of all of history, God was both at the beginning of time and will remain until the end.  While my view is blocked by all sorts of hindrances, God not only sees clearly but sees with a greater purpose than I’ll ever know.

Trusting is hard.  Yes!  Surrendering is hard.  Yes!  It is a daily battle of the flesh, mind, and heart.  But, oh, what joy can come when we recognize that we aren’t in control…and that (surprise!) that is actually a good thing.  I don’t own one of those “Life is Good” shirts (or bumper stickers or hats or spare tire covers…) but I’ve thought about coining ones that say “Life is Hard.”  Maybe better stated, “Life is Hard…but Living is worth it.” 

Who are you living for?  Or rather, whose agenda are you living for?

God is bigger.  His ways are higher.  He not only clearly sees the entirety of everything, but masterfully has a hand in it.  While I can’t know the why of everything happening, I do believe that He can redeem it.   All of it.  I do believe that nothing can stop His ultimate plan.    

And though I’ll likely continue to struggle as I try to make sense of what is happening in my own life, there are seasons where I’ll just have to trust and stop guessing.  Never stop praying, mind you, but surrender the cockpit. 

Help me, Father, to seek Your will above my own.  Lead me where You want me to be.  If nothing can separate me from Your love, and even death does not hold me bound, then why would I fret over any path You lay before me?  Left, right, up, down?  Quiet my heart in the loud moments and help me to hear only Your voice.  Because you are here.  And You see from a vantage point that I never will. 

That alone gives me the confidence to know that I am going…going somewhere indeed. 


 

Right Where I need to be

It was Thanksgiving week and instead of loading up our van, we found ourselves at the Pediatrician’s office; with a 103 fever and a confirmed flu case.  My foot still ached from the heaviness of three weeks in an air cast boot (sounds much cooler than it is; trust me the “coolness factor” wears off within the first 48 hours) and now my heart ached for the three inconsolable children who would not get to spend their holiday at Nana and Grandpa’s house like we had planned (and already packed for). 

And just when I was ready to put my feet up and rest, too.  Truly rest.  Like kick my feet up on someone else’s couch and knit and watch football; as odd of a combination as that may seem.  I was ready to forget about chores and let our laundry pile up in a plastic bag instead of a plastic basket.  No dog hair to sweep up each morning; snuggle with my kids while watching far too much TV; I was even going to share in the meal prep instead of cooking it alone.  Oh, it was going to be so nice, I said. 

We had been for weeks purposefully trying to whittle down our schedule so that we could rest and enjoy some down time.  We wanted a reason to be “bored”; an excuse to catch up on some sleep.  But with an official quarantine and a prescription for Tamiflu was not the way we had envisioned it.  (Note: I had also casually mentioned to my husband that I needed a new pair of black boots about a week before my newly introduced foot pain earned me that afore mentioned air cast.  Lesson?  Be careful what you ask for.)

Unmet expectations.  That’s what they are.  I plan and expect that things will go as I planned.  I use sticky notes and charts and chalkboards (Oh, how I love chalkboards!) and then play out scenarios in my mind.  I envision that something will look a certain way and when it doesn’t, I must have somehow failed.  I expected a predicted outcome and it changed.  But let’s be honest.  How many things really go as originally planned?

God is good all the time.  Yes!  No doubt. 

All the time, God is good.  Absolutely. 

But do I live like I believe it in those times when things don’t go as I planned?  Do I get frustrated and grumpy and grouchy when my schedule is interrupted or changed?  Do I lash out when my expectations are not met? 

Because the truth is that I grumbled that day I left the foot and ankle specialist’s office (three weeks of a new schedule?!) and now I found myself sulking over Thanksgiving (we had worked so hard to "eat" our kitchen bare, and seriously, we were already packed to go).   

Sounds a lot like an account I’ve read before in Exodus.  Those Israelites who grumbled when God had them wandering in the desert for decades.  Sure, I was not wanting for manna or water, but when looking at hearts, was mine not as sinful in my discontentment?  My unmet expectations were trivial when compared.  I was now going to have to shoulder the Thanksgiving preparations and come up with a new impromptu plan.  I would be slow (because this boot thingy now makes me half the speed I once was), but even so, a quick trip to my local supermarket was completely possible (I had to stop by the pharmacy now for that Tamiflu anyway).  I mean, how selfish could one be?!  I had food, an overabundant amount of blessings to give thanks for, and now that uninterrupted family time we had been craving.  This could be good, no?

And while I never would wish the flu upon anyone (and especially my own little family), like Nana so sweetly reminded me…there was even blessing in the timing of it all.  How thankful we were that flu symptoms appeared hours before we took to the road (with countless other holiday-bound vehicles).  How miserable would we have been stuck in an ER in a foreign town away from all the comforts of our own home?  Plus, it was nice to know that should anyone else succumb to the aches and fever, a mere phone call and another quick trip to the pharmacy might be more possible (albeit, at my half speed).

Our Thanksgiving, though quiet, was still beyond what we deserved.  We had a humble gathering of foods on the table and three nights in a row of family movie night.  We had blankets and hot cocoa and a family round of Yahtzee.  True, we had coughs and disinfectant and around the clock medication schedules, but we also had memories and snuggles and too much TV.  I kicked my feet up on my own couch (in between laundry piles, of course) and knitted and watched football.  For three days in a row.  And it was good.  (And being caught up on laundry was certainly nice come Monday.)

So when things don’t go as I had planned, I can grumble and get frustrated, losing sight of what matters and maybe even feel sorry for myself.  Or, I can choose to see those unmet expectations as opportunities to Praise God and thank Him for having me right where I need to be.  

Right where I need to be.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

 

Father,

Please forgive me for my sulking and my childish tendencies.  Your ways are higher than my own (Isaiah 55:8-9).  And even if I don’t always understand, I know that Your plans are perfect.  I trust that no matter what my agenda may be, Yours will always be what’s best for me…because through Your plans, You are fulfilling Your will for my life.  Though I will continue to make plans daily, help me to surrender to the changes You see fit.  Like barnacles being scrubbed off of an old, tired, ship, You scrape off my crusty edges and mold me every day into more of an image of Christ.  Thank you.  Thank you for Jesus, who chose to die in my place.  Thank you for saving me and loving me so much.   Jesus is everything to me.  Your will be done, LORD, not my own (Luke 22:42).  Thank you for loving me so much that you choose not to put me always where I want to be, but instead You put me where I need to be.  Your love is like no other.  Thank you, Jesus, that You return no void.  And thank you, for the overabundance of blessings that I don’t deserve…the greatest being a life forever with You.

Amen.

A Mom's Perspective: Allergies, the Fear Factor

My 9 year old son is at a birthday party all day today.  A swimming birthday party.  At a pool.  On the other side of town.  With one of his best friends. 

And I am absolutely thrilled for him.  I am truly excited to receive a texted picture from our sweet friends showing him smiling and having a great time.  I can’t wait to pick him up to hear all about it firsthand.

It may sound like no big deal, but for a child with allergies, little things I always took for granted can seem like big mountains to climb for him. 

Thankfully we’ve learned to work around his food allergies.  Advance preparation is always essential in finding things to send along with him.  And packing his own items allows him the opportunity to eat without worry.  He is old enough now to be trained on what is OK to consume and what is not.  So we have discussions prior to attending.  Thankfully his food issues are not life-threatening in severity.  For that, too, we are blessed.

More challenging, however, is his allergy to cold.  For a child that can break out in hives in a bathtub or from windows rolled down on a car ride, the pool can be a daunting thing.  Any activity that exposes his skin to temperatures below 70 degrees can trigger allergic reactions that not only make him miserable, but also can be potentially life-threatening.  And so as awkward as it seems, handing over an emergency kit complete with cell numbers written in Sharpie, rescue inhalers, Benadryl, and a double epi-pen are a must.  Particularly when there is water involved.  We, too, have conversations on the car ride over. 

And then someone asks, “Isn’t that scary to let your child go to a swimming party?”  “Aren’t you afraid something might happen?” 

And my answer is yes; because I am human, and as his mom I want to not only keep him from ever hurting, but I also want to put him in a bubble, as if that might protect him from any harm.    

But the Lord has shown me time and time again that I can trust Him.  The Lord has reminded me (and used others even to remind me) that He loves my children and that He holds them tighter than I ever can.  I don’t know why things happen the way that they do.  I don’t know how any particular day will look in the end, but I do know that I serve a God who is faithful and who will ultimately succeed in fulfilling His will for my life. 

Your will, Lord, not mine. 

We know that we are not to tempt God.  We are not to push ourselves to limits that we have already been shown are unwise.  When tempted in the wilderness by the enemy, Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’ (Matthew 4:7; and referencing Deuteronomy 6:16)

We can even exercise wisdom by taking safety precautions.  But even the best of safety precautions don’t prevent bad things from happening.

So in cases like today, I have a choice to make.  I can let fear grip me so tightly that I refuse to let my son participate in any activity that seems even slightly questionable (and let’s be honest, I can make excuses for ANY activity)…or I can, within reason, employ all of the safety precautions we have been taught by his allergist and then give him a little space to be a kid.  A real kid.  True, a kid who has been trained to look for warning signs within his body and then told what to do in the event these things occur…but a normal kid as best he can be.  Because this is how God created him to be….and we know there is purpose.  We don’t know how it will look in the end, but we know that even if a reaction comes, God will not be absent.  Our God comforts and walks with those who seek Him. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

This is the verse my husband reminds me of when my mind wanders into all the “what-ifs”.  Because as a mom, my mind is constantly tempted to ask these questions.  Not surprisingly, my mind wanders there quicker when it comes to my children who have to live by certain restrictions (we now have three in our family).  The vast majority of the time, when I hesitate, fear is the culprit.  Fear is what stops me, freezes me in place.  And honestly, a life lived in fear doesn’t feel much like a life.  At the very least, it hinders my relationship with Christ and keeps me in a fog of believing that if I can control the circumstances, I can dictate the end result.  Although my intentions may be good, my means are not.  I have to take my thoughts and filter them through the above verse; and many times I can stop at “Do I know this to be true?”  Many of the fears I carry are not known truth.

Slowly, but surely, the Lord is softening my heart and showing me to lean on Him more fully.  Lean on His understanding, not my own. 

And cover everything in prayer.  Even (and especially) when they are soaked in tears. 

While there may be circumstances that absolutely necessitate a “No, we can’t do that/go there”, we have to somehow learn to prayerfully consider those opportunities where we can respond with a “Yes” or “Let’s try.” 

Maybe it’s not right for every family or every situation.  Maybe there actually are allergies out there that are so horrible, so severe, that to remain in hiding is appropriate.  As a believer, we are to follow where the Spirit leads.  For us, we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  We have to keep stepping in faith, doing all we can with all the wisdom provided to us, and then trusting that even in our failures, God will be there to show us where to step next. 

Is it scary?  Yes.  Is it emotional and draining?  Some days.  But we know a God who is patient and loving.  A God who formed each of us and knew us and loved us long before we ever took a step on this earth. 

This is the God we will cling to; the God we will give praise to for each new hurdle jumped.  This is the God we will submit to and fall to our knees before.  It’s a daily battle, but by Christ’s strength, fear will not rein in our hearts. 

Christ will. 

Update: In case anyone wonders how the pool party went…our son came home tired, but having enjoyed his afternoon.   At one point, he felt as if he was beginning to break out, but he communicated with the mom on duty, took two Benadryl pills with a rescue inhaler, and remained out of the pool for a while.   He also took advantage of a warm shower that was located at the facility (a few times, I think).  He did, apart from us, what he has been trained to do.  And he didn’t freak out.  God is working on him, too.  More reasons to give Praise! 

Warm and Fuzzy

Almost 13 months to the day after the death of our first dog, Sierra, and we’ve gone and done it again. 

We’ve found our match.  Our “pawfect” match.

Meet Jennsen, our new puppy.  She is a rescue from a local organization.  Five months old and full of cuteness.  And our kids are in love; with the warm bundle of fuzziness that is currently stretched as far wide as she can get across our shag carpeting in the family room.

So sweet and timid.  So peaceful and calm.  And so quiet.  We still have yet to hear her bark.  She has a lot to explore and a lot to get used to in our home, but we’re excited she’s here.

 

She doesn’t replace the first dog we’ve ever owned, and she doesn’t take over the current one we still have (our 13 year old hound mix).  But she does start a new chapter for our family.  One that involves all the cute silliness that comes with owning a puppy.  The floppy ears and too big feet that flounder when she tries to pounce on a large-sized tennis ball.  The chasing and then chewing of every stick she can find (even if said stick is three times the size of her and filled with pine needles).  The curiosity that flashes in her brown eyes and also through over-active nostrils as she takes in all of the new sights and sounds around her.  There is a joyfulness about her; a giddiness that I admire.

I can’t help but to think back to my days as a Girl Scout (I did two years of Brownies).  Not because we had any projects that focused on dogs or puppies or anything of the like.  It’s that song that’s stuck in my head:

“Make new friends,

  But keep the old.

  One is silver,

  And the other is gold.

  A circle is round.

  It has no end.

  That’s how long I’m gonna be your friend.”

Welcome to the family, Jennsen!

For all the Present-Day "Floods"

Forty days and forty nights. 

That was what I always remembered.  It was how long it rained in the great flood that God brought upon the earth.  The great flood in which Noah and his family were spared; along with two of each kind of creature. 

Which is why just recently when my scheduled Bible study reading fell upon Genesis 7 and 8, I honestly thought I would just graze over it.   The story of Noah and the flood.  Oh, I know that one, right?

But how did I miss that the flood lasted on the earth for one hundred and fifty days before receding?  Or that it was many, many more months before the land was exposed?  This was a MUCH longer timeframe than I had really contemplated before.  I’m not sure how I overlooked that, but I did.

As I was drawn into the narrative again, this time I could see how Noah would have to exhibit patience as he followed God’s calling for him.  He was obedient, we see that.  He built the ark just as God instructed him, even when it meant that he was the only one working on such a project.  But he had to have been patient as well.  To be on a boat for such a long, enduring time….and of course with all of those creatures (and the smells that emit from many of them!)…with only his family to keep company…well, yes, I would gather that Noah was a very patient man indeed. 

And here I live in the midst of a world that travels far too fast to keep up.  A world where at the surface, many of us are flying by at warp speed.  In fact, the very nature of our current culture is to see who can attain more in a lesser amount of time.  Patience is not a worldly value (it’s a fruit of the Spirit).  And in my failings, I find myself becoming frustrated at times when I am asked to wait.  Even when I don’t mind waiting, my second thought immediately flies to “for how long do I need to wait”? 

And there’s often no clear answer to that.  How long do I have to wait, LORD?  How long must I sit still? 

It is typically in those stressful times.  You know, the long, drawn-out struggles that threaten to wear one down.  It’s the piling up of one thing after another.  It’s in those moments of stress and struggle that I wonder, “how long”.  I can’t remember a time when I asked “how long” in the middle of great joy or celebration.  I’m sure it’s possible in those instances, too, but for me it’s mainly when I become uncomfortable.  I’m looking to see how long must I squirm? 

And after re-reading Genesis 7 and 8, I think the answer is, “however long it takes”. 

Noah had to wait for however long it took for God to dry the earth again.  He had to wait for however long it took for God’s plan to unfold.  Even the largest blow dryer in all the land would not speed the process (yes, that is a silly thought, I know).  Noah could not make it go faster.  He had to sit and wait and rest in God’s perfect timing.  And don’t miss that God never left in Noah’s waiting.  In fact, the opposite is true.  God remembered Noah and was still at work drying the flood waters.  Even while Noah sat. 

So for me, too, I can rest in God’s perfect timing.  And when I am squirming and most uncomfortable I can rest in knowing that He is working.  He has not left me.  He has not abandoned the plans He holds for me (or for my family).  My ark has not sunk.  Most importantly, He has not given more than I can bear up under Him for.  There is nothing too weighty for Him.  Yes, too weighty for me because I am weak…but by His grace and His Holy Spirit within me, I won’t break.  It is because of my weakness that He will receive the glory.  I cannot do it without him.  I cannot walk without His leading. 

So in those burdens that I so badly want lifted, I will choose to wait.  For however long it takes to bring Him glory.  For however long it takes for His will to be done.  For however long He deems necessary to accomplish his goals for my life. 

Maybe it’s seconds or minutes or hours.  Maybe it’s days or weeks or years.  Maybe it’s a whole lifetime of squirming on this earth.  God is sharpening me.  He is knocking off my rough edges and making me look more like the person He created me to be.  He is unfolding His plan for my life, and through that, receiving the glory and honor that only He deserves.  He is not standing by watching, but I believe He is actively working, both in me and through me.  So as the battles come and I find myself impatient, I can realize that that’s my old self creeping back in.  That’s the old me that fears change and craves comfort.  The new creation in Christ (the reborn me) can cling to the Father, and like Noah did, wait.  I can trust in the One who sees the whole picture.  I can trust in my loving Father and then choose to joyfully submit and say, “I will wait.”

“For however long it takes, LORD.  For however long it takes.”


 

Filtered

In America, we filter our water.  We filter the air that we breathe.  We even filter the words that make it to our ears, thanks to the ten-second delay on live TV.  And many of us who have children in our homes, we filter websites and the Internet for those using technology (and rightly so).

 

But what if we filtered our thoughts? 

 

What if every time a fear or an anxious thought crept in, we stopped and filtered it.  What if every time we became nervous or uneasy about something, we paused and let those moments sift through a strainer; a strainer that would remove the impurities that don’t need to fester within our minds. 

God’s Word tells us:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

If these truths were the filter we let our thoughts pour through, oh how better off we would be!  God knows our hearts and He knows our minds.  He knows how we get tempted and how we fall short.  He knows how sin often begins as a simple thought.  But He reminds us to be aware of our thoughts and to filter them by His standards.  Fears and anxiety tend to melt away when we stop and focus on what is true and right and pure. 

 

What if we filtered our words? 

 

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18)

Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. (2 Corinthians 13:11)

The old “sticks and stones” saying is rubbish.  Words hurt.  Period.  What if we took the time to think through our words before we let them fly from our lips?  What if we stopped and prayed and then let those words be filtered by God’s Holy Spirit?  In many cases, fewer words are better.  For myself, I get into more trouble the more I talk.  I’m certainly guilty of not letting my words be filtered!  I say regularly to my children, “Choose your words wisely.  Are you honoring Christ with your words?  Remember that words cut like swords and they can hurt.  And it’s not always just what you say, but also how you say it.”  My challenge is to be a leader by living this out in front of them.  My challenge is to seek God daily, asking Him to fill me with His words; that they might also permeate my speech.  God reminds us that we are to encourage one another, lift one another up.  Sending those verbal expressions through God’s filter is a great place to start.

 For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.  He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.  Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thessalonians 5: 9 -11)

 

What if we filtered our lives and guarded our minds and our hearts, paying more attention to what we fill ourselves with? 

 

Through prayer we can ask God to show us the areas of our life that need to be filtered.  Maybe there’s a distraction that keeps us from Him.  Maybe there is a blocking somewhere that dims His light, making it harder for others to see Him in us.  For me, it’s distractions of my computer or my cell phone.  God no doubt shines brighter for the three little disciples-in-the-making in my home when I am convicted to step away from the computer (or refuse to get sucked in).  Or if I temporarily “lose” my phone.   Their lights shine brighter, too, when I walk away from my distractions and remind them that each and every moment is given.  And I don’t want those moments to be squandered or dictated by distractions.  I want them to be filled with worship and love and family.  So I will consciously choose to fill our day with Scripture and praise songs and wholesome (fill in the blank with your choosing)…not because I am trying to be a “rule keeper” or lead some ideal of what I think a Christian should look like, but because when I saturate my life with God’s teachings, I find true joy, peace, and laughter.  He is my source.  And I see Him more clearly when I filter out what the world throws at me.

 

And so you’ve read this far and maybe you’re thinking…..yeah, it sounds nice, but I’m not sure I can get there.  I get that.  Because Monday happens and the dog pukes repeatedly behind your bed (and just out of arms reach), no one is enjoying the meal you just spent two hours preparing, and your whole family gets quarantined with the FLU.  Your thoughts are flying all over the place, your words are not joyful (and at times ugly and harsh), and quite frankly the only thing you’re ready to fill yourself with is anything that will help you escape.  Even if only briefly.  

 

Oh, loved one, let God fill you!  Pray and ask for guidance.  We are not enough.  When left to ourselves, we fester with all kinds of impure, selfish thoughts and words.   Let Him be your filter!   Pour over God’s truths; finding encouragement in the Bible, and ultimately finding perfect example in Christ.  And then remember that you alone will never be perfect on this earth, you’re going to stumble and trip and fail; and that’s OK!   Stop and listen.  Search and seek.  Pause.   And then ask our Heavenly Father to help remove those tainted areas that rob of His joy and everlasting peace.  Ask His Holy Spirit to help be the filter needed to separate out the ugly and bring Him the glory and praise and honor that He rightly deserves (through our thoughts, by our words, and in our lives).  And be reminded we are all a work in progress, not an overnight fix.  These are ongoing challenges.  But by His grace, you can persevere! 

 

And if you will, please excuse me, while I quietly read these written words over and over again….as I am most clearly incriminating and speaking to myself here.  

 

Father, please show me the areas of my life that remain unfiltered.  Help me to humbly surrender those to you, knowing that only you can take my life and mold it into something that reflects your Son, our Savior and King, Jesus Christ.  I am a work in progress.  Use me boldly for your Kingdom.  And if “filtering” helps me to reflect you more in my walk, then please provide me the tools necessary and the humility to actually use them.  In Jesus Name I pray, Amen. 

Reaching Outward

I need reminders.  Often. 

Twice this week I was reminded of reaching outward when things seem to be amiss inward.  It’s easy to get caught up in personal “mountains”, big or small, and then before you know it they are magnified to the point that you are frozen.  You become consumed by them.  It’s what you think about day in and day out.  Your attitude changes.  You can’t see past your struggle.  You become stuck.

I’ve been in a self-described “funk” recently.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on exactly how to express it, but I just felt worn out and tired.  There were days I had trouble sleeping.  I would become emotional.

I kept saying it must be from the added pressure of my oldest son’s new allergy.  He is literally allergic to cold.  And with winter quickly approaching, I find myself at times uneasy; restless.  It’s exhausting to constantly check the indoor and outdoor temperature.  I have to consistently regulate his allergy medicine and also carry emergency equipment in the event of a severe reaction.  I have to remind him to dry off quickly and completely after a shower and to not delay in dressing, because recently he reacted with hives after bathing from the cooling of water droplets on his body.  I have to stress to him why he needs to wear those gloves and hat and jacket, even if no one else at the park is covered up.  We don’t shop long in the cold sections of grocery stores anymore, that is, if I even take him with me.  We only drive with the windows down if it’s above 70 degrees (otherwise he becomes itchy).  I have to remember to remind every adult or babysitter who may care for him that any injuries have to be treated specially, because being allergic to cold means being allergic to ice packs (it’s our instinct to put ice on an injury, no?).  And I cry sometimes when I watch the weather reports.  Especially if there is a chance of snow. 

So I have been reading God’s Word and praying and asking others to pray for me.  And then as soft as a whisper…

Crystal, it’s not about YOU.

The very moment I placed my eyes on me, I took my eyes off of Christ.

This week an email circulated through my homeschooling co-op group.  A person I have yet to meet has invited others to join in on making new winter hats to be donated to a local hospital.  These hats are for cancer patients who have lost their hair due to chemotherapy treatments.  These hats are to serve as warmth; to keep out the cold.  These hats are to ease just one of the many, many burdens that a cancer patient may face while living in a mid-Atlantic state where indeed the temperatures are beginning to drop off.

I jumped at the project for two reasons.  One, what a great cause!  Two, I love to craft; and this one looked easy and like something I could really do.  Mind you I have never knitted anything in my life, but for some reason I ran to the store to get supplies.  I even took the kids to help pick out yarn.  As I sat the other night knitting a soft, warm, winter hat I realized that this project is changing me.  Somehow, this project is warming me, too.  It’s helping the coldness in my heart to be refocused.  It’s helping me to finally put my finger on what has been the source of my “funk” lately. 

I am afraid of the cold.  In fact, to even think about my son suffering, I have somehow become terrified of the cold.  Literally terrified. 

And there is that whisper again. 

See, Crystal, it’s not about you.  But I understand and still love you.  And I’m here. 

One of the best remedies for being caught up in self-pity, is to reach out to others.  Take the time to pour out love on another in need.  Christ poured out His love so that the world could be redeemed.  Through Him, can’t we joyfully pour out His love to those around us?  Wouldn't that help us finally see past our own "mountains"?

This newly presented project is becoming a family affair.  My son is also now making a hat.  In his favorite color.  Together we are pushing out the cold.  Through continued prayer and by God’s grace, we are turning the very fears of our hearts into a practical outreach and pouring of His love on those in far, far greater need. 

Most importantly, we are remembering that it’s not about US.    

Which is so worth being reminded of. 

JOY Preserved

Joy.


That’s a word I have heard time and time again in the past few days.   It’s also a timely word in my life, because I can clearly see that today there are things trying to steal my joy.  It’s a very real battle and one that I cannot face alone.  Joy is not something that always comes easily.  It can be competed for.


Like when our family faces battle after battle and we’re tired.   Yet again, my heart is burdened as one of my children is diagnosed with a rare skin allergy.   It’s our first time trying to contemplate and sort through the possible scenarios.   It’s our first time training our children on how to use an epi-pen (and my first experience with fitting one into my purse).  After many recent trials, it’s a refresher course for this Momma on the truth that we do not control our children’s destinies and although we can certainly own our part in responsibility, we cannot control or stop bad things from happening to those we love.   Boil it down….WE are not in control.


And then pile on the daily responsibilities of laundry, house cleaning, meal prepping, instructing, child disciplining, school planning, etc, etc…and well, it’s easy to see why my joy can be robbed.  I’m tired.  My head is spinning and I want to go to bed.  I probably need sleep, but quite honestly I just want to curl up in my bed and pretend that everything is OK.  I want to “veg out” and watch TV all day, allowing my mind to escape.  I want the distractions in my mind to stop and for a moment just silence.  Just quiet.  And maybe a chocolate chip cookie.  Or ten.


But I don’t operate like that.   By God’s grace ALONE, I know there is hope.   I may not be able to see past the “fog” that I find myself in from time to time, but I know there is a Savior who does.   And He is walking with me through it, navigating every step of the way.   There are times when I battle with trying to navigate by myself, but all too often, I’m knocked back on my bottom and am reminded that it’s not my ship to sail.   There is so much freedom in allowing Jesus to be the wind in my sails.   Quite surely, without Him, my ship would sink.   Forever lost.


This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. (Nehemiah 8:10b)

The joy of the LORD is my strength!   And it can be yours, too!   It is God’s joy, but in His miraculous grace and mercy, He lavishes us with that same joy.   If we seek Him.   If we search for Jesus in the midst of our day-to-day struggles, we can still find joy.   It is a God-given gladness and it can be found when we are in a personal relationship with Him.   When we know Him.   When we strive to know Him more.   When we relinquish control and allow Him to not only steer our ship, but also to reveal more of Himself through that leading.   I’m not saying it’s easy, but I am saying it’s worth it.   Because, friends, that is where true JOY and STRENGTH come from.    They are in a relationship with Christ and they are lasting.


So yes, I believe it’s OK to cry.   It’s OK to get frustrated, flustered, and knocked down.   It’s these very emotions that remind us that we cannot do this alone.   We were not created to be self-sufficient.   We were created to bring glory and honor to the very One who made us in the first place.   It is He who loves deeply and desires to see us return to Him.   We may be tired, but we are NOT DEFEATED!   Christ died so that through Him, we may LIVE!


So where do I go when my joy is being robbed?  When I am tired?   When I feel circumstances or distractions are trying to steal my strength?   To my God; only finding renewed strength and joy when I fall to my knees and worship (I cannot create joy or lasting power, only He can).   I thank Him for loving me so much that He would send His Son to die in my place.   I thank Him for raising His Son so that I can know I, too, have hope in a resurrected life.   I tell Him my fears and my burdens and my hopes.   For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)


When I stumble, no one knows better than my Heavenly Father.   And, oh, how I need Him!   He will lift me and wipe away the tears.   He will set me back upright and remind me that He remains.   I stand in awe of His great power.   He knows the struggles of my heart before I even utter a word, yet I’m convinced that He still likes to hear me cry out to Him, imperfect babble and flounder as I may.   And He loves me.

Even if I do smell of a few chocolate chip cookies.

Movin' On Up

How do I see God working in our family?  If only I could count the many ways!

But one MAJOR way is in seeing the depth of love grown in my husband's heart.  Not only a love for his family, but a deepened love for his church and for others.  Wow.  It is a joy to see. 

Many years ago, my sweet hubby decided that he would serve with me in the nursery on Sunday mornings.  Not just one or two Sundays, but every Sunday.  Together we would take on the task of relaying Bible-based curriculum and sharing the hope and joy of Jesus to the sweetest and most precious of God's blessings...His children.

In those years, God has used this time to grow both he and I closer together in our marriage, closer to our children (of whom, we've been able to spend at least a year with each in class), and ultimately closer to HIM.  We have had both the privilege and honor to serve alongside many families that we may have otherwise never had the opportunity to.  We have come to enjoy the many personalities and just plain "fun-ness" (yes, I know that's not a real word) that come with each child who steps through the door.    

And yes, there were days we wondered why we only drink decaf.  And yes, there were days where we wondered when we might take a break.  And yes, there were days when we were grumpy...ok, more me than him, but just further proof I am still a work in progress  :)

It was time.  Time to step down.  Time to walk away.  Many asked, and we confirmed.  We needed to plug in elsewhere.  We needed to change up our routine.  Until last Sunday.

Because after weeks of seeing needs in the Children's Ministry and after last Sunday being approached to "help" maybe every now and then....my husband felt burdened.  He looked me in the eyes and I could see it.  That God-given passion for serving.  That God-honoring and God-planted seed of love....a great love for others.  And sure, you may say, "that's easy when you're talking about your church family"....but I also see it elsewhere, in the community, too.  Like when he pays for a strangers meal "just because" or he smiles and offers to assist someone, even if it means taking away from his scheduled "plan".

It makes me smile because it is NOT of me.  It is NOT of him.   It is ONLY OF CHRIST that either of us can serve and do so with joy.  Christ gave it ALL...may we follow Him in giving some. 

So with that burdened heart...it was not hard to see where my husband would be leading us next.  He felt just helping occasionally wasn't enough for us.  He felt we needed to do more.  Just as gladly as I followed him "out" of the Sunday morning nursery, I will choose to gladly follow him "back in" to the next hallway of Children's Ministry, the "Big Kid" hallway.  It was not what I expected.  But it is what I welcome.  (And seriously, it only takes one Sunday in these classes to know why we love it!)

Although we didn't see it coming (well at least so soon), we both know that our God is a God who equips.  We will continue to pray regularly that He will equip us for this next year; that we will constantly follow HIM.  We will pray that HE will be magnified and honored in this and in other areas that we may serve.  We will pray that He will bless those who walk through those doors each week and that through these children He will teach us ALL more about Himself.  We will pray that each heart comes to know Him fully. 

I can't seem to clear The Jeffersons theme song from my head.  "We're Movin' on Up"....and we're giving thanks.  So, so many things to be thankful for. 

Changing Perspective

Sometimes it’s not about where you are standing today, but about where God already knows you are going tomorrow. 

Like last August when I stood shocked (and quite frankly, aggravated) at the pediatrician’s office as the receptionist politely handed me back my new health insurance card and informed me that they don’t accept the new company.  What?!  Seven years I had been at that practice.  My children (and their seven years of medical records) would now have to transfer and start over.   The thought overwhelmed me.   I pouted.  I screamed inside.  I panicked. 

After turning to friends for recommendations, I ended up at another wonderful practice and after some time to cool down (or warm up to the thought, maybe), I reasoned that this was a good change.  I found a practice closer to my home.  I found a practice that offered many of the similar features of our old pediatrician.  Most importantly, I found a practice where the receptionist would not reject my insurance card.  In a day of age where having health insurance is a tremendous blessing, this was key for our family.  We needed to go where insurance would help cover.

Just months after the switch, our oldest son became quite ill.   The new pediatrician was running all of the tests he could, but with nothing showing, he needed to send us to a specialist.  This, of course, would take time.

Within the next few weeks, our son became even more lethargic.  He began losing weight.  He constantly felt awful.  His normal energetic personality was changing, but not for the better.  My husband and I felt we needed to try something, and we weren’t certain waiting until the specialist appointment would be helpful.  We prayed.  We asked others to pray with us.  We asked if God would reveal to us what was wrong with our little boy.  We prayed for wisdom.  We were seeking answers and hopeful for healing. 

Years prior at our OLD pediatrician’s office, I had inquired about a gluten-free diet (our daughter was having issues at that time and I tossed out the idea of maybe it being food-related).  To my embarrassment, the doctor completely shot down the idea, citing that going gluten-free would be “far more difficult and probably unnecessary in the long run.”  I left that day thinking nothing more on the issue. 

But our son’s symptoms now mimicked many of the same ones complained about with gluten intolerances…rashes, nausea, headaches, loss of appetite, weight loss, just to name a few of the nicer ones.  After a brief discussion, my husband and I decided that we would move forward with our own food challenge at home.  We felt that we were being led by our Great Physician, the One who truly knows, and we had peace about it. 

In the end, going gluten-free is what helped our son.  We continued to pray and praise God for the answers He was showing us!  We praised God for the many people He had already planted into our lives that were now walking with us and cheering us on (and for the many already gluten free families that breathed words of wisdom and encouragement into us; what a HUGE blessing!).   It was by no mistake that we had a circle already of people who knew what we were going through.  We praised God that our family was not another statistic of an average of five to seven years before knowing for sure (testing for gluten issues, particularly, are not always accurate, which often leads to more confusion for those suffering).  By the grace of God, our son suffered only 5 months before it was revealed to us what he needed.  This was, and still is, amazing to us.

After the food challenge, our son did grieve briefly.  Being old enough to know this meant a lifestyle change came with some sadness for him.  There were foods that would now have to be “off limits”.  I grieved with him.  For him, my heart was sad.  I didn’t want to see him hurting.   As a family, our whole kitchen and home had to be reconfigured.  As head chef, I was going to have to learn how to cook and prepare foods in a whole new way.  Food had become our enemy.  We were overwhelmed.  Really overwhelmed.  But I also remember very clearly clinging to God’s Word (what else could we do?!) and together reciting WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE (Matthew 19:26).  We don’t know the why’s, but we can trust without a shadow of a doubt that God has bigger and better plans than we can ever imagine (Jeremiah 29:11).  God was in control and we needed to choose to trust in HIM and HIM alone.  After all, He had already brought us this far!

The good news is that going gluten free has not been as “difficult of a journey” as we were led to think a few years ago.  In fact, it has been far easier than what we ever could have imagined!  Based on my experience with the topic a few years back, I can only guess that our former pediatrician would not have been encouraging about the idea.  What I love is that God removed that burden and had already placed people in our lives that said, “You can do this.”  God knew what we needed, well before we even knew something was wrong.  He had laid the path.

I was aggravated and flustered when we unexpectedly had to make a pediatrician switch.  I was not unhappy with our former doctor and was honestly (a little too) comfortable there.   I didn’t see any reason for uprooting and starting over.  But God knew beyond that moment.  He knew where we were going.  He closed that door and opened a whole new one for us to walk through.  One, that we can see now, held less friction.  And it is only because of Him that we had faith to step through that open door.

More recently, we went back to the new pediatrician to fill him in on what was revealed to us and how we were game-changing on the food front.  This new doctor literally hugged us and with a huge smile on his face celebrated with our family that our son was beginning a road to healing.  He commented on how wonderful it was to see such drastic change so quickly and how grateful he was that it was something “simple” (quite a different word choice than our previous medical advisor, ehe?).  Come to find out, his own wife was gluten free (something that had never come up in prior conversations).  He proceeded to share with us some websites that his family found helpful.  Wow.  I never even entertained the thought that just maybe I could be unhappy with our old doctor.

Overwhelmed by God’s amazing mercy and grace…my heart definitely fluttered that day.   It was an affirmation for our family that God had had bigger plans for us; bigger than an aggravated Momma a few weeks prior…bigger than an office closer to our home…bigger than just a new insurance card.  We were reminded of God’s great love for us, and how He goes before us, walks with us, and remains with us after.   All glory to Him who led us to the very spot we needed to be!

We don’t always know the whys (which can be so difficult, particularly in trials), but we can trust that God is in complete control and that He holds purpose in our lives.  With Him, all things are possible.  And remember, for those who proclaim Christ as their King, God promises to continue a work in us until the day of Christ’s return (Phil 1:6).  Those works look different from person to person and from season to season, but we can always trust the One who delivers them. 

Are you aggravated with a situation you find yourself in today?  Is there some inconvenience or struggle that you have prayed would be lifted or made to vanish (and it’s not going away)?  Is there something that you are certain if it would just go away, things would be better?  Or maybe, like me, you find yourself annoyed at some unexpected glitch in your plans for the day.  Have you considered maybe that with God’s plan, things could be even better?

No matter where you are, take time to stop and thank God for His working in your life.  Thank Him for your many blessings, but also thank Him for allowing the annoyances.  They refine us, too.  Out of love, God is molding us to look more like Christ.  In the good or bad, don’t lose an opportunity to seek God’s face and see Him within your situation.  He orchestrates even the tiniest of details in our lives.  He is in perfect control.   

I am so very grateful that God sees things beyond what we can see.  Our sight is so extremely limited, but He knows all time…every moment passed and every moment to come.  I am also thankful that He knows what we need, even before we need it (and that He loves us far too much to give us merely what we want). 

This is why sometimes it’s not about where you are standing now, but about where God already knows you will be going.  That’s the encouragement I need to change my perspective on where I find myself standing today.  Today is easier to walk through when you fully trust who holds your tomorrow.

Father,

Please help me to fully trust in Your will for my life.  Thank you for the tremendous blessings and yet also thank you for the areas that cause me to squirm.  Thank you for being in control, for guiding me, and for reminding me that I can trust fully in where you lead.  Thank you for having the perfect vision that I will never possess.  I want to be fully rooted in Christ, growing in my faith, and I know that through these moments you are lovingly molding me.  Thank you for your great love, for your perfect Son, and for your desire to make me more in His image. 

To You be all the glory,

Amen